It’s gonna be May

Books:

I haven’t read much as work is insanely busy at the moment (also the reason this is so late, stupid Lions). I read ‘Feminist Fight Club‘ by Jessica Bennett. I’ve read a fair few of these books recently but I still found this interesting as it was mainly focused on the workplace. A quick, easy read with humorous and informative bits. Not world changing, but a good read.

Music:

Thoroughly enjoying the 1D spin offs, good on them all. Harry Styles’ album is pretty sweet listening, highlight is definitely ‘Kiwi’. Also ‘Malibu’ by Miley Cyrus is an absolute tune and was on heavy rotation this month.

Movies:

Didn’t see everything I wanted to but still got through a bit.

Bright Lights: Caught this at the Edge Documentary Film Festival with a friend, and it was thoroughly captivating. This film paints an intimate portrait of Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, and also Todd Fisher. It explores their relationship and their eccentricities and it is especially poignant in light of Carrie and Debbie’s passing last year.

Get Out: I don’t actually like horror/thrillers but I had to go see this after the insane rave reviews. I’m glad I did, even if it was mentally scarring. Basic premise: Chris and his girlfriend Rose go upstate to visit her parents for the weekend. Weird shit goes down. That’s all I’m saying. The cinematography and imagery work double time, and the score is sensational.

A Dog’s Purpose: This film follows a pup trying to discover its purpose in life over the course of several lifetimes and owners. I went to see this with my work wife as we’re both obsessed with dogs. I cried once, laughed multiple times, and got particularly overwhelmed by the cuteness of the corgi. Dogs are the best. We don’t deserve them.

King Arthur: I love a good Guy Ritchie film, judge me all you like, I don’t care. This plays out like a heist film, is a complete bastardisation of Arthurian legend, has Charlie Hunnam  playing cockney Jax Teller and Jude Law hamming it up and I am here for it. Lots of women get fridged, sadly, and there is an all too brief cameo by the delightful Katie McGrath who should just be in all Arthurian things. But I enjoy a bit of popcorn action and this fit the bill, even as I sat there quoting Monty Python to myself.

Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

April is the cruelest month

Books:

I read two books in April, yay, go me! The first was ‘Americanah‘ by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche. I started it last month but had to return it to the library shortly after as someone had reserved it (ugh) and I anxiously waited for its return so I could finish it. I. Loved. This. Book. It is magnificent. Some really powerful commentary in there. It was one of those books that set my soul on fire when I finished it, and made me want to write again and do all these things I’ve always wanted to do. I particularly enjoyed it from the point of view of an ex-pat aching for something but not knowing what it is, and thinking maybe a return to home could fix it. Would recommend every time. The second book I read was ‘The Silkworm‘ by Robert Galbraith, which is the second Cormoran Strike novel. Like the first, I enjoyed it, just really solid detective fiction and great for a Saturday afternoon finish-in-one-sitting type of read. Solid genre fiction and I’m not complaining.

Music:

Kind of a dud month to be honest. Found myself relying more on old favourite albums rather than listening to mixes. New Fall Out Boy song though which is…interesting. I’m not sure it’s for me but I wasn’t really on board with ‘Centuries’ either and ended up loving the album. So who knows.

Movies:

Only two this month, bit sad. But gird your loins as blockbuster season is upon us and it’s the Doc Edge International Documentary Film Festival is in town. See all the things!

Beauty and the Beast: This is my favourite Disney film so I was a bit skeptical about a live-action take on it, but you know what, it was fine. You know the story, was the same deal. Songs were on point, Gaston is amazing (and awful) and I think they actually did a good job explaining some of the things people have always wondered about this story. Like how does an entire village not remember there was a prince in a castle not that far away? Costumes were a delight. Lord how I love good costume design.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: I know I’m in the minority here but I did not rate the first one of these and was expecting more of the same lameness from this one. I actually enjoyed it a lot more, maybe because I knew what I was getting in to. Some really good humour in there and a genuinely touching ending, I’m ashamed to admit that I even got a wee bit teary eyed. Petition to put Nebula in everything though because she was my favourite thing in this #TeamNebula I do wonder though, if you don’t have 80s nostalgia, is this film’s aesthetic any good?

 

Only for now

I’ve been feeling restless recently, resentful, like I’m missing something. I thought maybe it was my job – that it wasn’t “right” for me. I browse job ads obsessively, looking for something that will spark enthusiasm in me, something that will make me stop and say, yes, this is what I need to do. I love my job, really, but I also hate it. There’s something not quite right and I don’t know what it is. I want something more, something else. I want to reclaim something that I feel I lost.

Thing is, so many of my friends feel this way. So many. I loathe using the M word but I think it might be a millennial thing. And I think it might just be choice. There’s too much of it. The internet and social media have given us access to too much. So we’re always chasing, always searching, never sure if we’re in the right place or doing the right thing and feeling like we’re treading water.

I’m sure previous generations had these issues too (mid-life crisis anyone?) but it feels more acute, this existential self-awareness. Back in the good old days, more often than not, you got a job and you stayed with it and you didn’t expect it to provide you with anything other than your pay.

Not so much now. It’s not good enough to just have a job; you have to do something that fulfills you. It has to give you meaning and purpose. “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Thanks for nothing, inspirational quote. We spend so much of our time at work, of course you want do something that matters to you. But dear god, what is that something?

I attended a leadership summit a few weeks ago and one of the key things that kept coming up was know yourself, your values, your strengths and your purpose. I just keep thinking of Avenue Q. Lots of talk about how once someone figured out what their values and purpose was, everything became a little simpler, they made better decisions. Very little insight into how one might actually find said purpose.

I like my job, for the most part. I find certain things frustrating but that would be the same in any other job. I just know that there are certain parts of my role that I’m not strong in, and it would be better if there was someone else who could do it. But since my role is the only one doing the kind of work I do, I’m stuck doing things I think I’m no good at, which in turn makes my poor perfectionist heart want to cut itself into bits. So what do you do? Wait it out and hope that they’ll eventually expand the area so you can get someone to work with you who excels at the things you’re bad at? And then there’s the paranoia about being replaced.

Every personality quiz or work placement quiz I take tells me I’m in the right role for my personality and style. Is it just accepting that you’re not always going to be great at everything and you’re never going to enjoy everything you do? Thing is, it’s fine now but my role needs to grow into something else, it needs to become something else to deliver real value for the company, and that role that I’m driving it towards is not a role I really want. It’s going in a very Business Intelligence direction and I can do it, I just don’t really want to.

At the end of the day, the things I truly enjoy doing are not things that will pay bills. And I’m usually too knackered coming home from work/gym to do anything I enjoy doing. But I think this is really the crucial point here. Maybe it’s unfair to put all that expectation on a job, to expect it to fill a void on its own. The things I dislike about the role would perhaps not grate so much if it wasn’t bumping up against an absence of something I can’t articulate. The frustrations and petty grievances perhaps say less about the job and more about me, and a need to add more to my life, beyond work and home and work and home and work and home ad nauseam. I need to find a new wholeness. I need to find the version of myself that belongs completely to Wellington.

Or maybe I should just become a librarian. Fuck it.