Sometimes when people refer to me as an adult, I have to stop myself from looking around and going “What? Where??” and then running away. It’s weird. And from a number of articles and blogs I’ve seen over the year, I feel like it’s a pretty common feeling. Last time I was home I asked my mum when the switch actually flicked and you became an adult and she was like …*shrug* So, y’know, that’s comforting.
Part of my problem is that I’ve spent the last ten or so years feeling largely transient. First, being a student, and then living on a working visa, and then moving back with the parents for a couple of months before randomly running away to New Zealand. Living this way doesn’t lend itself particularly well to feeling in control of shiz…and it also doesn’t lend itself to looking after yourself very well.
I’m also not particularly kind to myself. I don’t think I have a bad self-esteem but, like most people, there are some days where I just don’t like myself very much. And I don’t want to catch my own eye in the mirror. And I’m a perfectionist (an actually diagnosed one, not one of those job interview weakness ones that have no idea what the crippling self-loathing is actually like) so I can be incredibly hard on myself. It’s so hard to learn and grow when you don’t allow yourself room to fail. It’s ridiculous.
Point is, I came out of a particularly rough depressive patch at the start of May and decided enough was enough. I had to stop living like a student. I had to take control of my life. I had to look after me, properly. I had to at least attempt to be a functioning adult. I’m 28 with a decent job…I don’t really have an excuse.
Today, I woke up feeling pretty damn good about myself. I got three compliments before I even sat down at my desk about how nice I looked even though I had dry shampooed my hair this morning and I’m wearing the same stripey shirt I’ve worn at least once a week since December. Maybe, just maybe, the changes I started making back in May are paying off. So I’ve decided, going forward, I’ll share the things I’m doing to try and feel more comfortable in my own life, and which have proved to be a real asset as work spirals into the stressful mess it always is this time of year.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really know what I’m doing, and some things I’ve tried haven’t worked and I beat myself up over it accordingly before moving on. BUT I think I’m making progress and writing it down will help keep me honest. So stay tuned!