You got a whole world to change

I woke up on Saturday morning and wandered through the flat. The only thing I could think was that even if you didn’t know me, you only had to take one look around to know a depressed person lived here. The thing about depression is that it makes you selfish. You just don’t care about…well, anything really. You’re too wrapped up in how you’re feeling, or in my case not feeling. It consumes all your time. And you just cannot be bothered with anything else.

So my dirty dishes piled up during the week. And my clothes lay strewn across my room. And nothing gets put away or moved or tidied. Because who can be bothered? Who cares, when you’re feeling like this.

It’s probably a good thing that my flatmate is away on holiday at the moment. Although if he had been around, I might have felt more compelled to do something about the state of my life. But because I didn’t have to, I didn’t feel guilty for messing someone else around, I just let it go.

I’ve dealt with depression my whole life. It’s not something I’m a stranger to or something that I am particularly worried about. Sometimes it’s worse than other times. But I know what to expect and I know that, eventually, it’ll go away and I’ll be alright again. Swings and roundabouts. I’m very self-aware, what can I say. It’s both a blessing and a curse. The two years I’ve been travelling, I’ve rarely had to deal with it. It hasn’t been nearly as common or severe as it was when I was working in Magazineland. I guess it made me kind of complacent. Like it wasn’t really an issue anymore. Silly, cause it’s coded in my DNA. No escaping that.

As usual, it’s my innate ability to just suppress my own emotions in favour of other people’s that fucks me over. Many of my friends are going through various things at the moment, and I want to be there for them and support them. I listen. That’s what I do. But when people don’t even ask you how you are, it starts to wear on you…even if you don’t admit it. I had an absolutely lovely time at End of the Road, so it’s unfortunate that it comes on the back of that. August has just been so busy for me, I haven’t really slept, my health is shite, and so many external things have been bothering me – especially last week, when I found out that both my mum and my dog had to go for operations. It stresses me out that I can’t be near them. I know, realistically, even if I was there that I wouldn’t really be able to do anything but proximity matters. I want to be there for them. To offer what comfort I can. And when I can’t be there for the people that matter to me, I feel absolutely horrific. It’s like the only thing that gives me value as a person – which I know sounds crazy, but hey, I’m weird like that.

So yeah. It all sort of just boiled over this week and all the emotions I’ve been suppressing for the last few months came spilling over too. That’s the problem with the whole suppressing thing, it doesn’t go away, it just waits and grows and becomes angry. I didn’t even realise what a terrible state I was in until Thursday when for the first time in my life I was maudlin drunk.

So it goes. I think realisation is everything though. When I admit to myself that yes, you are sad, and you are actually feeling these things, and that’s ok – that’s when I can move on. That’s when I can get over it. So Saturday, when I looked at the flat, and started tidying, that’s when I knew that it was on the upswing. Cause cleaning gives me a sense of order when there are things I can’t control. And the fact that I actually care enough to clean, that’s good. It means I’m feeling something positive.


Music: Victory lap – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis


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